Can't read my, Can't read my, No, he can't read my Lack of Face

I witnessed this when I got home from work today.
The office was a buzz with disgust. I couldn't wait. Poor poor Charla. If I had a friend who's monkey, excuse me, chimp ripped my fucking face off I would not be talking to Meredith Vera on national television unless I was trying to raise money for the "Assassinate my ex-friend who's monkey, excuse me, chimp ripped my fucking face off" fund.

As a sidenote, I must question the rediculousness of the American media machine. Are we really that desperate for a distraction that we need to look at this LACK OF FACE first thing in the morning? I guess everyone needed something to talk about at work today. The powers that be certainly wouldn't want that break room convo to focus on them.